gangbang

those who can't do
dance with their girlfriends
until were brave again
at four am, you have
Amazingly Beautiful Eyes
like it means something
it really doesn't matter,
sweet talker
were a
lollipop generation
suck and blow
( i cant stop staring at your mouth, you say)
the intimacy in this room is
so quiet
are you listening?
its as if we are meeting
for the first time, SF
(kiss kiss)
leave a message in a bottle
and imagine
all the fun well have
board walk beauty
atlas girl
take me to your chicken coop
lets hatch eggs
i wish i were young enough
to have the chlorine without the
cigarettes
the morning without
the noise
that staggering silence

my heads all mixed up

im trying to think of what to do for my birthday while simultaneously thinking of what to do for designs on my nail set while also contemplating my summer life goal.

when i googled "birthday ideas" for fun this is what it came up with, its kind of an interesting list:

"This is it! The Big List of Kid's Birthday Party Ideas shared by readers across the nation and around the world since 1999.

The Big List of kid's birthday party ideas are categorized by theme and listed alphabetically. Find the theme you are looking for and read through the party plans full of ideas for invitations, decorations, games and more!"


THE BIG LIST of Birthday Party Ideas
50s - Rock'n Fifties
60s - Groovy Sixties
70s - Seventies Disco
Airplane Party
Alice in Wonderland
Alphabet Party
Amazing Race
American Girl Party
American Idol Party
Animal Rescue Party
Apple Picking Party
April Fools Day Party
Aquarium Party
Arabian Princess Party
Army Party
Around the World Party
Arts and Crafts Party
Autumn Harvest Party
Baby Einstein Party
Back to School Party
Backwards Party
Backyardigans Party
Ballet Party
Barbie Party
Barnyard Party
Barney Party
Baseball Party
Basketball Party
Batman Party
Beach Party
Beach Party (feature)
Bear in Big Blue House
Beauty and the Beast
Bee Party
Barney Party
Bob the Builder
Book Parties
Bowling Party
Bratz Party
Breakfast Party
Bug - Main Page
Bug - Bumble Bee
Bug - Butterfly
Bug - Caterpillar
Bug - Ladybug
Buzz Lightyear
Butterfly Party
Camping Party
Candyland Party
Care Bears Party
Carnival Party
Cartoon Characters
Casino Party
Cat in the Hat
Cat Party
Caterpillar Party
Celebrity Party
Cheerleading Party
Cheetah Girls Party
Chef Party
Chinese Party
Chocolate Party
Christmas Party
Christmas Cookie Party
Cinderella Party
Circus Party
Clifford the Big Red Dog
Clown Party
Color Party
Construction Party
Cooking Party
Cowboy Party
Cowgirl Party
Crocodile Party
Cupcake Party
Curious George
Dalmatian Party
Dance Party
Dance Star (feature)
Dinosaur Party
Dinosaur Paleontologist
Disney Princess Party
Dog Party
Doll Party
Doodlebops Party
Dora the Explorer Party
Dr. Seuss Party
Dress-Up Party
Dress-up (feature)
Easter Party
Elmo Party
Eloise Party
Egyptian Party
Fairy - SUPERPAGE
Fairy - Main Page
Fairy - Princess
Fairy - Tea
Fairy - Tinker Bell
Farm Party
Favors
Fear Factor Party
Fiesta
Fifties Party
Finding Nemo Party
Fire Truck Parties
Fire Truck Party(feature)
Fishing Party
Food and Snacks
Football Party
Frog Party
Games
Game Show Party
Garden Party



Gilligan's Island Party
Goodie Bags
Gymnastics Party
Halloween Party
Halloween (feature)
Handy Manny Party
Hannah Montana Party
Harry Potter Party
Hello Kitty Party
Hockey Party
Hoe Down Party
Hollywood Star Party
Hot Wheels Party
Hulk Party
Hunger Caterpillar
Ice Cream Party
Ice Skating Party
Incredibles Party
Indiana Jones Party
Jasmine Party
Jimmy Neutron Party
Japanese Party
JoJo's Circus Party
Jungle Party
Karaoke Party
Karate Party
Kim Possible Party
Kite Flying Party
Kitty Cat Party
Knights of Round Table
Ladybug Party
Laser Tag Party(feature)
Lego Party
Lilo & Stitch Party
Limo Party
Lion King Party
Little Einsteins Party
Little People Party
Littlest Pet Shop
Lord of the Rings
Luau - SUPERPAGE
Luau - Main Page
Luau - Beach Party
Luau - Lilo & Stitch
Luau - SpongeBob
Madeline
Magic Party
Magic School Bus
Magic Tree House
Makeover Party
Mall Party
Mall Scavenger Hunt
Mardi Gras Party
Mario Party
Mary Poppins Party
Masquerade Party
Mermaid
Mickey & Minnie
Miniature Golf Party
Miscellaneous -
Modeling Party
Monsters Inc. Party
Movie Theater Party
Music Party
My Little Pony Party
Mystery Party
Narnia Party
Nemo Party
Nursery Rhyme Party
Olympics Party
Oscar Party
Parade Party
Party Favors
Penguin Party
Peter Pan Party
Pharaoh Party
Pink Poodle Party
Pirate-SUPERPAGE
Pirate - Main Page
Pirate - Caribbean
Pirate - Girl
Pirate - Peter Pan
Pirate - Tinker Bell
Pirates of the Caribbean
Pizza Parlor & Fun Zone
Playdoh Party
Play Party
Pokemon Party
Polka Dot Party
Pony Party
Pooh-Winnie the Pooh
Pool Party
Powerpuff Party
Power Rangers Party
Princess - SUPERPAGE
Princess - Main Page
Princess - Alice
Princess - Arabian
Princess - Aurora
Princess - Belle
Princess - Cinderella
Princess - Disney
Princess - Fairy
Princess - Jasmine
Princess - Pocahontas
Princess - Royal
Princess - Sleeping Beauty
Princess - Snow White
Princess - Tea
Puppy Party
Quinceanera Party
Racing Party
Raggedy Ann Party



Rainbow Party
Ratatouille Party
Rescue Heroes Party
Restaurant Party
Robin Hood Party
Rock Star Party
Rock Climbing Party Rodeo Party
Rolie Polie Olie Party
Roller Skating Party
Royal Princess Party
Rubber Ducky Party
Rugrats Party
Runway Model Party
Safari Party
Sailboat Party
Salon Party (feature)
Scooby Doo Party
Scavenger Hunt Party
Scavenger Hunt - Mall
Science Party
Science (feature)
Scrapbook Party
Sesame Street Party
Shrek Party
Sixties Party
Skateboard Party
Sleep Over Party
Sleeping Beauty Party
Snow and Snowman
Snow White Party
Soccer Party
Sonic the Hedgehog
Spa Party
Space Party
Spiderman Party
Spirit Stallion Cimarron
Splash in the Backyard
SpongeBob SquarePants
Sports - Main Page
Sports - Baseball
Sports - Basketball
Sports - Bowling
Sports - Football
Sports - Karate
Sports - Miniature Golf
Sports - Olympics
Sports - Rock Climbing
Sports - Soccer
Spy Party
Star Wars Party
Strawberry Shortcake
St. Patrick's Day Party
Superhero-SUPERPAGE
Superhero - Main Page
Superhero - Batman
Superhero - Hulk
Superhero - Incredibles
Superhero - Power Ranger
Superhero - Spiderman
Superhero - Superman
Superman Party
Surprise Party
Survivor Party
Sweet 16 Party
Tea Party-SUPERPAGE
Tea Party - Main Page
Tea Party - Fairy
Tea Party - Princess
Tea Party - (feature)
Teddy Bear Party
Teenage Ninja Turtles
Teletubbies Party
Thomas Tank Engine
Three Little Pigs
Tie Dye Party
Tinker Bell Party
Titanic Party
Toy Story Party
Train Party - Main Page
Train Party - Thomas
Train Party - (feature)
Transformers Party
Under the Sea
Unicorn Party
Valentine Party
Veggie Tales Party
Veterinarian Party
Video Game Party
Watermelon Party
Webkinz Party
Western Style Party
Western (feature)
Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
Wiggles Party
Willy Wonka Party
Winnie the Pooh
Winter Snow Sledding
Wizard of Oz Party
Woody & Buzz Lightyear
Zelda Party
Zoo Party
Zorro Party
4th of July Party




PS. i only googled this because last years b-day was so great. and i want to do better this year. AND how much do i want to do a Kitty Kat party???

recession

today i see kids copping a tag in front of general with mustard. a big, yellow, tube of mustard. i could smell it. i wonder if this is what the recession looks like.

anthems

just listen to old
music
like from
when you were 18
and the music, older
ancient dancing
around tackle boxes of makeup
and whiskey
rimmed lip stain
get ready face off

walk quickly through apartments
dont leave your
tracks
on carpet
you hate the feel
of it undertow
clings to all the
heels of your
broken
thrift store shoes
just nails
and hardwood makes clicks, like clocks
speeds you up
walk lighter, make less noise

dont get too attached to things
fill out applications
use your full name
and tell him you
love him
because this is all you ever wanted
remember
THIS

quit pretending
fill bags full of food
and take them to the hungry
we are closer than you think
i just want to hug my sister, i just
want to look someone in the eye
there are more bags than things
space is limited
but ill take you on
ill move over
clear tables
allow corners to be dusted
with knowing fingers

i know people get bored
i know its easy to
forget
to take for granted
but i love you more than yesterday
ships and starlight and
fancy cocktails
tie me up to fences
starve me
cause cuts cause time
just slide in bed next to me whenever you can
forgive imperfections
its the world
were just people

thank god

fly up day

its so much easier to write about things you dont feel close to. like i could make fifty poems in ten minutes while riding the 9, while filing through craigslist, while reading and the page jumbles and the words jumble and youve created a story in your brain, beginning, middle and always, the end. the end usually comes first. why do we write the end before the middle, after the beginning, why can we never let anything unfold, why must we always assume that we know, ultimately how the story will close, skipping the meat, the sandwich of the story. its easier, to close your eyes and point, to spin the globe on your bookshelf and point, to a continent, a far off island in the middle of a body of water than make actual plans. why is that? why are we incapable of letting that middle of the story fill in, become ripe and full and grow, with age, allow the ending to end, when, if, it does. we are impatient and untrusting of ourselves, of other people. people have made it difficult to trust and so we save ourselves by saving our stories. by writing ourselves out of situations we cant see clearly through, so that those last pages arent left up to fate, they are in our careful, sorrowful and limited hands. because fate fucks up and endings arent always happy, unless you write them yourself.
i cant write about any of this. i cant put it down and i cant say it out loud so its just swimming around in my head, fish bobbles and clear jellyfish murking up the tides that used to come easily, in and out. i cant breathe under all of this and im stuffy static walking through the days. im trying, im trying, but i dont know how to write this one down. i dont know how to make all these feelings come out on the page and resolve themselves, because they are too big, they are too heavy and im so used to carrying such weight. im in it right now.
my preschoolers graduate tonight and their families watch, their large and diverse families, each with two cameras in each hand, their little babies flying up to first grade and in one photo im sure, at least, tears were caught in kids hair as i hugged them, as they grabbed onto my legs and smiled up at me. i couldnt help it. i wanted to feel what that felt like but i was too far away from it. like, i wanted to be them, to be that young, i wanted that day again, to remember what it was like to be so small and hopeful, to have it all streching out in front of you instead of bleak, dry, desert. and i wanted to be the parents, because as much as i love these children (and i LOVE them) they are not mine and with their parents there they arent looking for me in the crowd to give that approving nod and one finger wave, so i just fade back into the cubbies and clutter and cupcakes lining the walls.

philosophers club

my book will be
touring in mexico
and youre with someone else right now
blue eyed and mannered

im not worried about getting in
over my head
i don't know about reverse psychology
but i know about you, and
the smell of your neck

its a sunday house hunt
home hunt
thanks for the directions

don't give up
with the wind like that
church on the hill

and get all sexy black midnight
on me

interference

your heart is (open crown)
in your hood
beautiful green
flashing since july
go, go, go
sorry i upset you
lets spell our names funny ways
silent p's and long a's

your face is stoney hardware
ive hired a security guard
to live
somewhere very deep down
in my gut
so i can
wear that salmon dress
like a second chance

turning hits into misses
with that smile & those eyes
were always ending in
elevators
politely feeling each other
up

you mailed a good
time
to the usual
suspects
and it came back unopened, fragile

ill load flowers
around your bed
and look at you critically
ive come to love folding
your underwear on sundays
youll never have to
walk alone
(Lets walk together)
unless you want to