mi casa

a little taste...

mucho gusto

we hang the laundry
in the bathroom to dry
vines of pant legs
and cotton shirts
washing my hair with cold water
is fun
the first time
i stop washing it, let it,
along with my fever
run wild
bar constitucion and were
dancing like mad, boot stops and cigarette
burns on elbows
ignite and i feel dizzy
every second
without you
these streets alone
are enough to haunt
i move from bed to bed
and the noise just rises higher and higher
the 14th floor cant hide me
but i sleep deeply
no dreams, groggy mornings
i cant get out of bed before noon
five weeks without work
and i eat a palta a day
smoke lucky strikes
walk until my feet ache
(why didnt i bring more shoes)
i have never been so scared in my life
smogged in like the mountains
im just searching for a fucking
cup of coffee
and a friend
and some shred of how i thought
this would be

my sheets are cool every night though
and i sleep with the windows open
what more can
i ask for, except for you
be here, be with me, and then poof there
you are
faces of people i meet are san
francisco
you are all here, somehow
the girl from mississipi looks like you
and i want to throw
my arms around her
hug her
tell her, oh
im so glad your here!
but ive only just met her

weve only just met santiago, sip your
piscola slowly, give me a minute
ill kiss back

twinkle, twinkle

i miss you across the bedsheets in the morning, when your alarm goes off and you tuck closer to the windows, the space between us leaves gaps for air and misunderstanding to seep in. i miss you even when you are the closest, when your hand is til intertwined with mine, your arm resting lazily across my tummy, my hips, i miss you, even then. i hate missing you in the same city and were only 7 miles apart. i cant imagine missing you across countries. across time zones. millions of miles. how do you fill those giant gaps, those air pockets between us. the thought is unbearable. trin says i have to take it one day at a time. and thats true, i have no idea what it will feel like to miss you from there. i will have to wait and see.

i close all the windows, light all the candles, turn the kettle on and listen to beach house. its raining and pouring outside and i think about all the things i wont miss. but there arent enough things to make me feel better about how alone ill be without you.

nights ago you say youre looking forward to being the only one to refill the ice trays,and its all these little tiny things that have changed me. ill never put tongs away face up again because of a story you told me from when you were younger when you sliced your hand open on upward facing tongs. id never want to hurt you. i whisper in vitos ear to kill any girl that comes over here, to never, ever snuggle anyone but me. i know that he will though, hes not as choosey as i hope youll be about who to give affection to. hes just a dog, after all.

and none of that matters really, the lonliness, the missing you, i feed off that kind of shit. i work well alone, in the solemn, the heartache. i thrive there, i grow stronger and taller, that darkness soothes me. for a week straight i see green when i close my eyes, everything smells of you. now that this house is warm and smelling of us together im packing up, moving on, i close my eyes lately and its not green, its brilliant flashing lights and faces ive never seen.

ey ey ey

and THIS

let your fingers make mistakes

just effin around on the interweb, designing my next nail designs, tattoos, outfit, going away party, watching laguna beach, etc.
my sis comes to town tomorrow which is more exciting that anything in the whole world! even more exciting than buying my plane ticket to santiago. i CANNOT believe its happening...a plane ticket makes it REAL.

xoxo

i didnt invent found poetry

i find a poem in the coffee shop, yo el ray, and while the sign on the bookshelf says "please read the books here, dont take them home" it says nothing about whats found INSIDE the books. so i stuff it in the pocket of my moms brown vest and ride off into the stark grey day, past the police station, the elementary school, past rachies house, over the bridge erin and i used to play under, past the mobile home park i took piano lessons at aunty jeans house, past homeplate with the best milkshakes where you stink the rest of the day from the deep fryer, to cp's house where we make quesadillas and watch real housewives for hours until i ride home, over the other bridge past carries parents new house and the golf course where i used to meet him in the middle of the night and never told anyone, and today it makes me think of b and a film and its dark and mysterious and magical, past my old preschool and so and so's parents where we used to party and n.oak street and calistoga high school to lake street where my mother and gramere are waiting for me with the cats and the dog and their funny pajamas and my moms funny shoes with springs in the heels that she got in like italy or something. and in my pocket all this time is the poem, reading it now i cant remember what i liked about it. but maybe you can find something. (ah i remember, the first line i like best)



no wonder she rips rooftops and throws cars

stiff section sheet howl
awning whip flap drip spray
slap against bar corner table window

army ant trail slime pulse
run shimmer grey down
night time lamp post

three inch drops splash road
like infinite reload bullets hitting
street from drunk cloud earth painters

premature leaf try finger hold on spaghetti oak limb
caught by late cold after early spring sun pretend
jerk like fish trying to spit hook in wild epileptic death throw

a dark wet exquisitely frightening natural uproar
nature shouting bending breaking dancing in wicked ballet
killing itself for ovation applause

i look around pointing back in wide eyed wonder
for any recognition but
all are locked in medicated hypnotic stare
toward torpid television commercial




now i remember...i like it ALL...thank you to whoever put this there for me to find.