youve come full circle and now youre free

ive made the separation, he says, laying next to me in bed, his chest against my side, one hand holding mine and i feel defeated because this means im lagging behind, i havent fully separated and i thought i had. im surprised its so easy to hear him say.

if i had i would have made my flight back to santiago. i wouldnt be here thinking this was something to fight for, id have realized there was no longer a struggle, no longer a fight.

he says, we need to have a serious talk about this, words no one wants to hear and i can feel him in the darkness, brace himself, exhausted, (hes thought something through for once), im sorry im being so blunt, he continues, his hands still holding mine, but i stop him, remind him, this is how it has to be now, you have to say what you mean, i just dont know how you can mean it when you say it that way.

i dont cry for long or very hard, just tears that make a quick escape and are gone, wiped clean and absorbed into his sheets which smell heavily slept in but not just by him and its unnerving.

you still taste like beeswax, he had said, smiling, (my heart breaking) over drinks at the corner bar we had gone to my last night in BA back in april, what i didnt know would be our last night together, and i cant help think of when we used to smell like that, our kisses. the tin of burts bees he had given me on the ride to the airport in february, 7am and raining, youll need this, he had said. and i had, i used it all the time and it never seemed to get empty, to disappear, and i used to think it was magic, like us, filling up and keeping me safe.
when we broke up i set it in the sun on my desk, in the window, let it get buried in my abalone shell under jewelry and coins from all over south america. i tried to forget about it, about him, that smell, i let it go rotten in the sun and somehow that seemed appropriate too.

i finally got to touch you. something i have been thinking about for months, wanted to do so badly some nights my own skin ached and i scratched at my arms and struggled with the sheets and sweat your name in tiny beads down my back. i felt for the first time what it was to long for someone, my body felt that word for months. so many days i thought of what it would be like to see you and then there you were and it hurt to be near you. stomach churning, skin pricked up, eyes burning everytime they met yours, not longer than a few seconds at a time. it hurt to be near you, that was all i had thought about and now i just wanted to run. run. run.

my last day in buenos aires, i go to the zoo and holucaust museum while i wait for my bus back to santiago, the only two things i can think of that are more depressing than leaving my ex boy on the streets of a city we were last in together when we were still in love. i try to get distracted, feel sorry for the animals, try really hard to feel upset at the pictures of people, entire families, with such looks of desperation but i cant and i feel selfish which makes it all worse. i sit in the botanical gardens by myself and cry, big gasping hollow loud sobs until my chest aches, people stare and i just keep taking pictures of cats.

how is this my life, i keep asking myself? how did it all go away so fast? is the question i couldnt bring myself to ask. how did it just slip away?
i know i couldnt have done anything differently although i sure whould have tried if i knew, if i thought it would have made a difference or change his mind. its hard to tell its the end until it is, and then its just the end and its terribly sad.


the last night you had put a pillow on my lap, layed your head on it and slept. i ran my fingers through your hair, which is long now, longer than ive ever seen it, and i pressed my palm over your forehead, scratched your neck, massaged your temples and it was such a small, seemingly insignificant thing but it was so meaningful to me. how many nights had we layed there, just like that, how much did i love to touch you, to watch you sleep and smile and curl up closer to me. the ease in which two people who really know each other can just be, just be with each other is enough to break me. i pulled my hand back and went back to my book. you only stirred slightly before falling back to sleep and i didnt touch you again until morning.


i leave him again on some street corner in buenos aires but its so very different this time. i dont cry because im so desperately sad without him, or because i dont want to leave, or because i cant wait to see him again, because i love him so much i cant stand to be apart, or because i think what we have is so special and amazing and i cant live without it. i cry because i know it will be the last time i do this, the last time i leave him in BA, that this is where that love stays. i walk away and i turn myself off, my heart just snaps shut and everything inside of me changes.

i'll never forget anything, hes telling me, hands on each of my shoulders and the wind whips around my face and im grateful for sunglasses and the street traffic distraction as he searches for something better to say and there is nothing, its so terrible, were just memories now, were just old apartments and kisses and promises and stories well tell to other people. things well always remember but never feel again, things, that after time, just become things, spaces to be filled up by new memories, new people and so many things well most likely forget and it seems its already begun.

you used to say forever, remember that?

i can smell the strawberries from here

today i have a meeting with the grants and loans guys at chiles tourism, parks and recreation department to show them my photographs. i was nervous and sweating and sticking to the sleek white stools trying to keep my legs closed while peeling them up off in painful rips every couple minutes, that slow stick that makes noise and reminds you that while leather looks nice, its not always practical. its hard not to bite my nails and mess with my hair, which is still wet from swimming in the pool earlier at leos house, theres nothing better than swimming at 10am, he had said, grinning. im distracted today, everyone wants to know what happens next and im not sure what to say, "i dont know" doesnt seem appropriate. everyone wants me to know, like how could i not? if anything, these past two months have presented more options, things i never knew were available to me, things i never knew i wanted and so i cant chose, i hardly know which way is south, which way is north (that night j had turned me in the kitchen and said, no, this way is california and i just stared at him, tequila big blue blurry eyes, no way, no way i kept saying and he put his hands on top of mine and stretched my arms up out to my sides, north, south, slowly turning me around, eyes closed, see, see how different that feels, north, south). i can hardly distinguish what has been a dream and what has been reality, the lines so terribly inconsistent.
its too cold in the office and everyones staring at me, im underdressed, of course, my tattoos showing, bra straps hanging out and dress too short, mouth too big. im trying come up with a better excuse for why i dont have any photos to show them than they were stolen. robbed. that the house we stayed in, our little haven, first working toilets and a baby with chubby arms that used to fall asleep on my chest in the early evenings, and music, and thick mattresses, that little safe place where i first felt pangs of trust in another person, where i felt i had no choice, that these people were all i had, that i had finally been put in the right place, that maybe, eventually my heart would heal. how could i tell them that house had been robbed, broken into and trashed one night we went out for karaoke, stumbling in laughing, my arm around s's waist, pulling his shirt tight balled up in my sweaty fists, cheeks red, my feet aching but happy and how f had started to cry, all the baby clothes were gone too, and the mattresses we slept on sliced down the middle, big jagged knife cuts like you see in the movies through all the blankets we shared, cutting us right in half, thats how it felt anyway.
thats what this meeting is about you know, my photography, my plan, my story and now what do i have to show for myself? because i wish i had something more than the rocks im carrying around, the scratches on my palms, the short attention span, the desire to keep moving, the ache under the arches of my feet, the way my knees give out sometimes when i stand up, the dizzying memories, the hazy dream of it all. i wish i had more to show you, i want to tell them, believe me, everythings gone, all those photos, even the the rolls i developed in someones makeshift darkroom on chiloe, all those beautiful black and whites, all saved for the one, but its gone too, because i left it with him, the day i left, boat riding literally into the sunset and him waving frantically, if not desperately for me as i left the shore. i didnt cry, it wasnt a painful goodbye, but one i knew would come eventually and so i braced myself for it, talked about it incesantly, when i leave, when i leave. but i could tell it was difficult for him, and so it made it hard to be the one leaving, the one ending things, even though there was nothing beginning enough to end, not on my part anyway, i always told him that when he lingered too long over a sentence, when he took too many photos of me, when he asked me to dance and the song was always slow. its hard to ever feel truly sad about leaving someone when you still feel like youre the one who's been left. it gets easier really, to distance yourself, to live in the moment, to look at greetings like goodbyes. i had taken that particular role of film the night of the full moon festival. i had no idea whether the film would come out or not, if i had the right settings, angle, shot, photography was always more of your thing than mine, i was just playing around, it was too beautiful not to try. the photos came out distorted with light and water spots, blinked with sand. you could make out shapes of faces and outlines of trees or a bright smile in the background, a fire, the ocean, but they were a mess to a person who didnt take them. i thought them fantastically haunting and strange, full of heat and motion. the one i gave him, the only one i could bare to part with i took while we were running and all you can see if the outline of his head and his arm leading back to my outstretched one, so that we made one long pale line, connected and then foot fulls of sand swirled up as we flew to the ocean, to the ocean and the whole picture is an explosion really, except for that one long line that someone would probably never guess was a photographer and her subject, holding hands.
i gave it to him because i didnt want it, i never wanted to see it or him again. its not rude its just the truth, i told you i was being honest.
i never thought all the pictures would be gone though, i looked at them every night and tucked them safely away, i couldnt wait to show everyone, show you what i had done, what i had made. ive thought about trying to contact him, please send me that print, i would say, but he would think it means something and i dont even know his last name anyway. you dont go calling back for things you dont want, you know, you leave them if you want to leave them, you let them settle and rest and recover, alone.
the rocks ive been carrying around in my pocket i havent washed, the dirt comes off onto my palms and makes my hands red, pools at the bottom of my purse and scratches the surface of phones and compacts. im still waiting, theyre 30 minutes behind and im getting more and more fidgety, trying to form in my head a good excuse, ive got another meeting, a lunch thing, something came up can we reschedule? when my hand moves over folded up pieces of paper in a pocket of a purse i forgot i had. i hardly have to look to see what it is, i can tell by the yellow lined paper and the tears in your handwriting, addresses and words scrawled into the rips and i scramble to find more but theres only the two and how is it, months and months later, that now, in this cold office waiting for a meeting i dont deserve to have, using a purse ive worn countless times before and hardly thinking of you at all, do i find little pieces of paper you had drawn on, on that glass table in our rented apartment in buenos aires, the address of the church we went to on easter, the names and phone numbers of david and the cell he let you borrow, basco's address and the number of my editor in the states, your last name, drawn in cursive, and something i cant make out, ink faded and yellow cigarette torn, how is it that today, of all days, these show up and i hadnt noticed them before? i dont know whether to smile or cry, ive stopped believing that everything needs to be a sign for something so i dont freak out, i just use the back of one of them, the one with the least writing and write, i had to go and my number, leave it on the front desk with a girl whos teeth make me uneasy and walk out the front door.
its time to go.

winter, summer; spring, fall

he says, we're somewhere in between seasons, over the phone, his voice sounds so close, i havent heard it in so long and my mind spins off and i am three months ago and i could slip back into this too easily, i think, and it scares me so much it straightens me out. i look at the bed ive slept in for six months alone and i hear that catch in his voice, that confusion, that bluntness, and it all floods back, how badly ive been hurt, how many times i wanted him to call and he didnt and this one call wont make everything right, nothing will ever be the same as it was, so yes, we are stuck somewhere between seasons, and i am torn between listening to my head and feeling immensely with my heart.

but now i want to see him, i want to talk face to face, i want to be able to change his mind, just one more time. just once. c'mon, wouldnt that be fun?

o says be careful, d says, cuidado, and n just looks at me like his own heart felt just a tiny bit of the break mine felt, and so, in any language, in my own recent knowledge, i know better this time. i shut my computer and i walk away. time to go drink chicha in the park, relish in the sun with my friends, c'mon afton says, its a nice day, and take advantage, of this, this wild wild life.

adam says, live your life as if your waging war with death, or something like that, and it makes me glow. i have fought my way out of this cold winter, clawed at the walls i put up around me, that are there now for protection but not from isolation, i have pulled myself out of that dark place, ive learned to swim again.

book work

if i could bottle this breeze i would, it is the lightest most comforting, invigorating feeling, something that shouldnt even really be talked about or written down, but felt, because there are really no words. for me, this is a break through. for me, today, i lay in the sun and get a sun burn, get hot, feel alive, feel like, maybe im not in some country so far away from home, but maybe, just maybe, this country is strong enough to hold me, to allow me to make a home in it. or maybe im tough enough to try, to put some roots down, to stop acting like im running, because right now, i dont have anywhere in particular to run to.
i spend the day writing on the book and its hard work. im going somewhere that i thought i was outside of, some place i thought i had lived enough since, loved and fucked and learned enough since that i could look at it objectively but it is hard work. it is bringing me back to that person that i was, some of the hardest times i ever had in SF and i am not there, not physically, but mentally, im remembering and im embarrassed in a way, ashamed, disgusted even some times, that i was so cruel, that the world made me that way, that i lived so recklessly, that i wasnt learning. and then i notice that i AM looking at it objectively, i am different now, i can see how i was living as different than i am living now, and its not any place that i want to go back to. those dark dark depressing nights are being carved out, im giving them a place and however difficult it might be to admit them, to write about them and make them more real than i ever let them be, might do just what i want it to. free me from a lot of guilt, allow me to really live how i want to, and let other people know that they are not alone on those streets. san francisco is a glorious place, but i know at any given time there were many other people who were leaving their house as soon as the liquor stores opened up just to refuel, just too avoid the comedown. i know i wasnt the only one. but im writing about it now and its fucking hard.

so i play songs that are new, and stare out at santiago and think about how many of the people im writing about arent in my life anymore for whatever reason. i think about a time when i will write about right now, when i will be able to, if ever, write about how i got here, how i moved here, what im doing now, how incredibly high and low i feel here. that will be for the next book, i guess...lets hope i get there. lets hope this current work doesnt drag me down. its difficult, no, its nearly impossible, to stay present when you are sorting through the past. but its the work i must do right now. its calling to me and its coming and its been waiting to burst out and so i must give it a home. i know, more than anyone, how important that home is.

if only

excuse me, lunatic
i think ive made a
mistake
if i only i had
got on that return flight back
to SF
would we be sitting sweetly
with bells on our ankles
little heart bubbles
around our heads
no,
its doubtful my choices would
have affected yours

you really thought you were
doing the right
thing, like theres
rules for this
and you deserved a shoulder
slap
this isn't a hit and
run, oakland hills, its a
hit and love
complications, conversation
youre so good at hiding, planning
and backtracking

tell me about your broken
heart, ill
salivate over someone elses
mess
admit it
no one knows what's about to happen
except that fear is passing
and im getting out
of bed now
look out

you make me bend my
rules, question my
teachers textbook
saw you looking at my school
uniform
lets
get
explicit
black and white pawns
i joke, unconvincingly, he will just be
another move i make

but i can see our future, if not
just the first
kiss, how sincere i will be
(because ill mean it)
until i cant be anymore, because i
cant care anymore
and a perfect person then
played
wanders the streets again, tired, tired
love
it is a choice, right?

if you think you are sinking, you probably are

i crawl from the bedsheets, literally, scoot my body to the edge of the bed and tumble over, glad the floor isnt far, the fall, not long enough, not enough to hurt anyway. my limbs have gone limp, the energy i have in comparison to how quickly my heart beats is a miracle, a juxtaposition, an absolute opposition. how this happens every couple weeks, the hibernation, the confusion of day and night, the mixing of sad and feeling nothing at all is beyond me. i dont blame it on you anymore. maybe ive been like this all along and you were just this little distraction for a while. but in truth, really, as sun sets and sky blasts pink and curious and questionable over santa lucia, i dont think that this is how life is supposed to be. i dont think i am supposed to feel like this, there is supposed to be more.

you tell me the feeling is mutual, as an affirmation, your handwriting so familiar i can taste your fingers, feel them, rough palms and wide nails, sweet between fingers, that small canopy collection of the day. i remember the way your words curled in and out of love letters left on the kitchen table and it doesnt seem fair that same hand can write such contrasting words, can suck the energy right out of them. the hand that delivered love letters has turned ambiguous. how is that possible? the feeling is mutual does not in fact mean the feeling is mutual. it is a poor way of saying i dont feel the same way at all but im too much of a pussy to admit it. that i dont really know what i want at all. that im too scared to admit that to you, i dont really want to hurt you, but i know, you know (the feeling is mutual), that you will. you just cant help it right now.

ill tell you, i understand. and hope i said it with enough conviction, enough familiarity, that you believe it, as long as were playing this game.

i cant help but be surprised at these things because i never would have thought my life would have changed so drastically. you cant really predict a storm, its force. i was like this city without a disaster plan and no one came to help. but i know you, i know you so well, that its silly to hope, its silly to expect anything, its silly to think this time will be different. you are too proud, too selfish, too caught up to tell me even if the feelings were mutual, id never know it. if i wanted anything to change, anything to happen, id have to do it my self. and im afraid, my darling, that yes, the feelings are mutual, because now im too proud, too selfish, too caught up. and if i was feeling anything for you, youd never know.

bay to break(her)

i kind of miss a god damn baby, or youre

lookin good, ma, all

this spanish, banish, preciosa, guapa

thick whispered wachita like a

drive-by

got me all mixed up

its not my native tongue and that shits

offensive, weon

you have a way of making me feel dirty

fresh from the shower, and it takes

a lot

to make me squirm

careful what you say to me

im not your baby

i dont respond well to beautiful

if its not said

right

when its an expression of something

you dont know the meaning of

im getting wrinkles here

this special crease above my forehead, wearing

my age now

i dont even know im doing it until

i get home, through front doors, past concierge

hola, hola, buenas

elevator

low light, yellow light, mirror reflection

face relaxation and im getting hard

here

i dont wear your sunglasses anymore (id rather squint, thanks)

and im getting wrinkles

here

stressed out here, i dont apologize for bitch

here

but keep questioning why you make me act that way

(isnt this why we learn swear words and expletives in new languages first, and why they stick?)

it doesnt seem to matter

here

7am commute is the same as dark streets of the centro (aggressive, an assault)

alleys

back bars

clubs and dont you know its not safe here?

just another venue, another opportunity, another way to say

dontyoueverforasecondthinkyoucanrelax

come on now baby, you know i wasnt

always this way