do the work

LA isnt as sad as i remember it.

walking the streets at night, stumbling against brick walls, fibers of sweaters getting caught on rusted lamp posts, jumping off curbs, avoiding strange pools of water leftover from last weeks rain.

it wouldnt be LA if there werent rivers of water full of unknown debris, she says, the santa monica pier in the distance, hair in her eyes, sun too bright, too high above us for it to be any sort of golden hour. whats wrong buddy, she asks, arm around my waist and mine around her shoulders. i cant put it into words, i tell her, i dont know, i say, and its one of those things you cant put your finger on, mercury under fingertip, it keeps slipping away.

that last time in LA we were all still drinking and we went out to a warehouse party and watched the sun come up and drove drunk and rode the freeways and skylines and ate tacos and dressed too tight, too black and swore a lot and so some things are still the same, at least, not everything has changed. t and j and i had drove down in the truck, smoking cigarettes and stayed at some boys house behind a strip club on sunset and i see things sometimes, now, that i remember from that trip, that house in the hills we had gone to and laid in a treehouse in the sun, all of us together, our arms resting against one another, quiet, happy. it was the first time i fell in love with LA. i had been sad then, in my life, and LA had made me happy, i was looking for something and it happened, i remember going back to the city and things feeling different, brighter.

but its just me now. i have that lonely feeling i cant shake, but that only i can change. i dont want to get lost here, without my sister or anyone to pull me back up. i came here for a reason but its becoming less and less clear what that was. i thought i was following my heart but i should know better than that by now.

in the mirror now, above the sink, i look at my face, but try not to for too long, there are things i dont recognize and dont remember moving, happening, something has settled above my brow, a finality, its almost as if i have resigned that this is my life. i have stopped struggling, i have stopped fighting, that part of me, that part that felt fiery, is fading.

dont get me wrong, there are more magical days here than not. but not even santa monica, venice or the pacific ocean yesterday could cool me. not even the water or the air, that smell that i love could make me feel better. yoga helped, good food helps, laughing with mia was great, and the thought of you, out there, making beautiful things makes me feel connected somehow, keeps me productive but somethings gotta change around here. theres got to be more to it than early summer and tea and cigarettes. theres got to be more here, i keep thinking, we've got to push harder, get more serious, be more bold.

and by we, i mean, me.

i once said LA was a sad place, and i didnt mean it. i was just a sad girl, and every city has its dark side, every grey day has its comfort in covers. i can be brighter than this place, i can work harder than i have before. i can make this city mine. i have all the right tools.

know that i would do anything for you

read old posts. remember how good it was.

jarr tells me ill have that again. my mom says, while watching sound of music on christmas, i want that for you girls, that kind of love, and i lose it, i completely bawl.

i dont think ill ever have it again. and thats okay, right?

i tell jarr, when people say its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...theyre wrong. if you have that love, and lose it, there is nothing that can happen to make it better. youve known love, and that kind of love doesnt come around again.

lose your love

i havent written in weeks, not since ive been home. everything has distracted and overwhelmed and overstimulated and when i go to write anything it comes out some mess of emotion and i just start crying, kind of like im doing now, cause youre not here and it just doesnt make sense.

ive never been here before.

ive never, never, even those lonely months in san francisco, those weeks, months, those times id call people and think, if i get another voicemail im totally going to lose it, if i have to spend another night driving around with no where to go, no one to call, no money, that feeling of failing ( except that i had you), i never felt so out of place, out of sorts. nothing has made as little sense as it does right now.

i belong nowhere right now. i am aimless, wandering, i have so many options its frightening, as much as i tell myself this is all temporary i cant help feeling completely lost and out of control. the new year hits and i try not to think about it. i try not to think about what this year has been, what has happened, what it has changed in me. i try not to think about all the promises i made last new years, how different it all was, how last year i was in love and smiling so hard and thinking, this is it, it doesnt get better than this.
i run the streets of san francisco but everything feels dead here. everyone looks the same and i want to say that everything feels the same, because in a sense it does, nothing has changed, except that its all different; my friends are all gone, i dont have an apartment here, the other night i literally leave the hemlock and give him our old address before i remember i dont live there anymore, were not together anymore. i tell jarr as we get serious (and im afraid, cause we dont do this much), when i left, we were all here; ames, jo, liv, us, i was in the best relationship of my life. and i come back, and those people are gone, that relationship doesnt exist. its as small as the liquor store guy on geary saying long time no see, where have you guys been, did you move? and i smile, laugh, as i leave, no, i moved, he moved, its not us anymore. its just me. he seems sad about it, sad that things changed, i pat him on the back and say, dont worry, ill be alright.
this city, its not mine, its not ours, we dont live here anymore and thats been completely earth shattering for me. i cant live in sf again, not now, i dont know if i can live here ever, i dont know if this place will ever be safe for me.
i talk to r, a boy from home, that had driven me back to my grandmas house and sat outside it drinking icees with me at 2am and i told him that san francisco felt like regressing, and we hadnt even talked in years, maybe 5, maybe since high school and he just looked at me, across the front seat, heater blasting, and said, exactly, regressing, you cant go back there, it doesnt make sense to you there anymore. and i had barely told him anything about it, hadnt told him about the relationship ending and i dont want to use that as an excuse, because ultimately its not just that. its..
well, its me. its me now. its just me. and i dont fit here anymore. i want to make something for myself on my own and i cant do that here. on any given block i run into our old life and i have to get out of it, grow over it, move on. being back has changed me too. its reminded me why i left and let me know that what i thought i was coming back to isnt a city or a person or a life, its options, opportunities, beginnings.
its the scariest/saddest night of my life. im back in the states, something i had wanted for so long and im alone, im more lonely than i had felt in south america, thousands of miles away. its the only thing that feels normal. missing you is beginning to feel normal. being without you is starting to feel normal. its like i had to come home to understand. its like coming home was understanding its time to make a new home.