"you're too old to be so shy"

sometimes i forget what city i am in and when i wake up its like being reborn and starting all over. do you ever feel like that? like you don't know who you are? and so you have to go take a long walk and drink something and try to make sense, find some clues, you try to call people whose numbers you used to know but no one answers and so you feel a bit more lost. even your reflection doesn't help, because, haven't you noticed, don't you feel like this sometimes, that you don't recognize who you have become? that you look in the mirror and no one is looking back. that maybe it has all disintegrated into this dream life and nothing is real but the night sweats and the gasping for air. maybe that person looking back at you is on the other side trying to figure it out too. maybe its just some big disgusting trick.
wandering the city can help sometimes. yesterday i just needed to drive. i just wanted to take the car out and drive the 101 and be alone and feel that little bit of freedom that driving gives you, roll the windows down and play music and feel young. or just forget that things are bothering me, just drive, no real destination, get lost a little bit. just drive. and then the red hot chili peppers came on and there i am 17, driving down some LA freeway, smoking a cigarette and the sun is warm and there is a breeze and it makes me think that every thing is just right, everything is how it should be. im not driving aimlessly, im driving to my friends house and my boy is at home, our home and things are good, they're not aimless, they might be scary but they are sure.

sunset

you're conflicted
standing alone in the
beer aisle at 3:30am

toluca lake house party
you keep telling me
this
is real
life
smoking an unlit cigarette
and fondling the
plants

99 cent stores
hollywood's 24 hour lights
donuts, long stretches of
side walk and burnt out
hotel rooms

you stopped me for directions
it's easy to get lost, isn't it
you had said
grinning

I was wearing a fire department shirt & you were a lifeguard
halloween-less
in this drive thru culture
its rare to find someone to talk to
at 4am

nobody knows

at a red light a plastic bag gets
caught on your
heel
an extra accessory
some man, a blue sweatsuit and
powdered doughnut face
asks, "hey, hey
am i good looking enough
to be with you?"

but you keep walking, dragging
the plastic bag
and worrying
about how your hair smells and if
you'll be late
to work

The bag wondering
if it will go home
again, and never
the answer
" it's stuck."
she said, reached down and scraped it
off
and again
wet
it touched me
my hands, sopping liquor, dirt -

too grimy to talk about, but
we do
we can't help it, that feeling of fingernails filled
with earth
and girls cant keep secrets, don't you know
its just darkness
and doorknobs and
"is this his room?"
between bathrobes and bad
religion

collaboration
gt & wb