the grand gesture

can i give you a kiss?
a real one
not a thimble
something with pressure behind it
on a rainy balcony at 2am
im waiting on a grand gesture
miniature airplanes
life lines on palms
i'll spread my fingers across them
find out where
this
all
went wrong
it wont be earrings on bedside table
and awkward morning silence
it would all be so different
a life line to the heart
but all mine stop short
this pressure has
lessened
and i cant find the place it once grew
and thrived
i dont know that place anymore

i havent had someone who wants to know me like this
we stop short of being 100 % with people, because we get scared, we have ideas of what our life includes, what it doesnt. we limit ourselves to these small boxes, closed off and sized down, designed to fit certain parts of you, but never keep you entirely whole. and ive only known that. ive only had people ask me to change, tell me that what i am just isnt enough and the prospect of someone being genuine, honest and asking me to be the same is daunting. its a grand gesture that just wont come.
today is sunday. i'll watch the dark knight in bed and eat oranges. finish my christmas gifts and try not to get out of bed.