pre-party

im sitting down to write every day, sitting down to work.
its the most ive ever written in my whole life and its not even that much and so im excited about what i am about to do. it feels like things are finally coming together, at least in one area of my life, things are working, things are flowing.
its different this time, im giving it my full attention, im trying, im actually making efforts, feeling disciplined and hungry and in turn my writing is twisting and moving and giving back to me. something great has changed inside of me and it feels like im writing from a new place now.
and its not just wine fueled, night fueled rants. its so much more than that. i cant really see where its going, im in it right now but im writing, writing writing through it.
yesterday i flooded our entire apartment and i felt so stupid and incompetent and now every sheet and towel and piece of clothing we own is hanging from every possible place, door, ledge to dry. in the afternoon, with the windows up, edges of sheets ive slept on flap in the breeze little little flags.
today is the last day of my 24th year and it is melancholy. i walk for hours around providencia trying to find a store i once went into in the first months i moved here and i take turns and back track and get on and off buses and i cant find it, its like it was never there.
every day i think of you. for different reasons now. its not a constant, throbbing, blinding thought but a dull ache, it comes in intense bursts, and it is more painful this way. because for a couple hours i was fine and then, BAM, ill see a shop with handmade hats, scarves and ties and realize i have no one to buy them for. and there you are again and i feel guilty and sad and angry at myself for everything, for the way that it is, for the way i cant fix anything, change anything. for how my life is still happening, still moving without you.
tomorrow is my birthday and it feels like such a big deal. a birthday of many firsts. not a single person that will come to my party has known me for more than 4 months, some not even four days, but they are my family now. they are making a party for me and want me to know that i am loved. as lonely as i felt today, walking the grey dirty hustling streets, i felt loved.
i feel it, all the way from here, wherever and whoever you are that is sending it, i feel it.
thank you.