my first time

this morning i woke up having a dream that my best friend was retarded and in a wheelchair and getting beaten up by a big hairy man on the bus and i wasnt doing anything to stop it. i told b and after i could hear him through my laughter, he said i should write it down.
im taking things slow. slow like ice cream cups outside a corner store in the richmond, apple juice and hennisey on a phone booth, bike rides at night, leaning up against a car that isnt yours, leaning into your boys sweatshirt and breathing in, slow like saturday, slow like tracing circles on his arm in the morning before hes awake, slow, slow, slow.

i figure we should talk about firsts...since this is one, here, right now.

my first memory, easy enough, is of being held. thomas and i are napping. it smells like a nest, of organic things, twigs and dirt and bread baking. it smells like crush in the valley, and the back of my neck is sweaty. i have straight across bangs. my moms skin is cool, and shes brushing back my hair. eyes open, eyes shut, eyes open, eyes shut. sleep.

my first fat lip was electric. i got hit in the mouth with a baseball in little league. i cried like hell. but i was much more adventurous after that, i was less afraid of getting hurt.

my first kiss. were watching a horror movie on halloween at shane hastings moms house before i was allowed to go to boy/girl parties. i sat next to jason tamagni and i could barely let my leg rest up against his without dying. when carries mom came to pick us up he kind of leaned over and put his tongue in my mouth as i was getting up from the couch. it was weird but i remember being excited for weeks.

my first heartbreak was real. i slept and starved and pulled all inside. i became these horrible things i didnt know i was capable of being and thinking and wanting. i remember reading something that changed it all for me, to the point where laying in bed and running steely eyed through the streets didnt make sense anymore. my heartache was real because i was capable of loving and that made me happier than i expected. so i bought a frozen yogurt and got the fuck over it.

my first stoned bike ride with b in the richmond was last night. it was absolutely amazing. i scraped up against so many walls hoping he wouldnt see but not really caring if he did. i laughed so much im raspier that normal this morning. i woke up tired but not exhausted. firsts are good. firsts pave way for more, for you to figure it out, to get it right.

im trying to get this right.
heres someone who got it right.