no ones taking showers anymore

i never spent so much time in the library when i was actually in school. the library here feels better. in h's apartment there are too many voices in airshafts and memories, and head swirling silence. i cant sleep past 830 anymore although there are no fire trucks or puppies waking me its just my own self, just me, waking my own body up. and thats how it should be. no one else matters as much.
today, all day, i want to barf. maybe it was the pizza before sleep, maybe it was those three words, vibrating, i miss you, and its a wild goose chase. you spelled her name wrong you know, but dont worry, i found her, flashy hands and its all summer fickle birthday bash barn dance and you make me sick. i think about you this morning, fingers pulling at t shirt, thin nightgown, i rose and lifted higher and higher for you, belly buttons, clean walls, new smells, i was all. most. there. but you can forget it, dont mispronounce my name again, it gets stuck in the back of your throat and you look so ugly i cant bare it.
no one wants to lose their shit in the library, oh lord dont shake me now, no one wants a panic attack, someone rushing to get water, i need fucking water, im yelling, bangs stuck to my forehead and i cant see straight, if im dying how much of my life flashing before my eyes would have you in it, if i cant see your face one more time, ill die, if i see your face ill die, walls close in and the library is swimming, now we are swimming and you, just a distant figure lit up by some lighthouse, some lighthouse pointing away from you, pointing me home.
but really, what am i talking about, talentless bitches running their mouths and i know how i feel better than you do. lets open up the freeways and drive blindfolded, let those car crash dreams come true. we should be reckless with ourselves, our hearts. you were reckless with mine. lets waste hours and drink tea out of our hands and fuck until were the same person and you wont have to remember my name. except for that feeling, some smell, years from now i'll still have you looking over your shoulder on street corners, checking under the bed, for monsters, ghosts, i'll still have you reading my books, mornings you cant leave the house, i cant wait until youre sending me cards still on my birthday, to an old address you have, cause i wont live there anymore.
i cant be blamed for anything anymore. i remove myself from all your bullshit situations and im not ready to talk to you. thanks for calling though, you really ruined my day.