whats mine is mine

this isnt my house and this isnt my music and the tv wont work and the cats not mine and i only know its name because of a letter once written and posted on a fridge "theres a ghost in my bones" and signed, gilbert. and so i call that to the cat down the halls, to the kitchen, these beautiful girls sleeping upstairs, their faces brown and haunting in a house with no art on the walls and no doors. you cant shut out other rooms in this house and its a nice feeling to curl around the doorframe of the office as their mother says goodbye, i feel young, wanted, i feel shy and nervous which i am not so i hug the wood and when she leaves i wander the rooms, the floorboards sqeaking where i dont know they will, rough blankets on the couch, different smells but it feels like a home nonetheless. there is love here. you can feel it. and the only thing i can smile about is the cats name, making me awkward laugh cry because no one likes to smile when their sad.

coco gypsy is dead and buried
between the dried out spaghetti squash
and the tomatoes
i wont get to see turn red
and ripe
a summer like summers are supposed to be
and nothing is the way its supposed to be
i tell my dad
on the phone
bags over shoulders, gripping hands,
slicing pinkies, throw some more weight on top of
me, i can almost breathe
ive managed to shed my skin
all over this city
leaving only new, bright and shiny
gabrielle
and i dont know what to do with her
ive slept in so many beds, none that
are mine
and toilets, bathrooms, kitchens, corners
of hardwood
all become places to hold me
to change, to compose, to
have a moment
because thats all i have right now thats mine
this means im adaptable
according to my research
i am ready to enter kindergarten
i can adjust to non-ideal
situations
but i cant find anyone who wants me
who will keep me
i cant find anywhere to keep my things
not even a car is safe
not even a heart
and so here in this strange house
with no art walls
organic vegetables and thick
wool blankets
and beautiful sleeping girls
i break down
can i just stay here a little longer?
i need a moment
that doesnt move so fast
leaving cuts between my toes
and breath, short,
whiskey dipped
i need a moment to have these tears
they are mine, right?