twinkle, twinkle

i miss you across the bedsheets in the morning, when your alarm goes off and you tuck closer to the windows, the space between us leaves gaps for air and misunderstanding to seep in. i miss you even when you are the closest, when your hand is til intertwined with mine, your arm resting lazily across my tummy, my hips, i miss you, even then. i hate missing you in the same city and were only 7 miles apart. i cant imagine missing you across countries. across time zones. millions of miles. how do you fill those giant gaps, those air pockets between us. the thought is unbearable. trin says i have to take it one day at a time. and thats true, i have no idea what it will feel like to miss you from there. i will have to wait and see.

i close all the windows, light all the candles, turn the kettle on and listen to beach house. its raining and pouring outside and i think about all the things i wont miss. but there arent enough things to make me feel better about how alone ill be without you.

nights ago you say youre looking forward to being the only one to refill the ice trays,and its all these little tiny things that have changed me. ill never put tongs away face up again because of a story you told me from when you were younger when you sliced your hand open on upward facing tongs. id never want to hurt you. i whisper in vitos ear to kill any girl that comes over here, to never, ever snuggle anyone but me. i know that he will though, hes not as choosey as i hope youll be about who to give affection to. hes just a dog, after all.

and none of that matters really, the lonliness, the missing you, i feed off that kind of shit. i work well alone, in the solemn, the heartache. i thrive there, i grow stronger and taller, that darkness soothes me. for a week straight i see green when i close my eyes, everything smells of you. now that this house is warm and smelling of us together im packing up, moving on, i close my eyes lately and its not green, its brilliant flashing lights and faces ive never seen.