storm trooper

today i hate the smog, i hate the heat, i hate that my apartment is always noisy, yet somehow, under that drone of alameda, is the most silent white noise, that i could sit in for hours, like the quiet solo act of looking at split ends, or scrutinizing ones face. today is long and painfuly slow and stifling. i cannot. fucking. breathe. here.

i try to sleep but it wont come, last night i toss and turn for hours until the moon becomes the sun over santa lucia and i force myself to take a shower. its pointless, im sweaty the minute i get out, my makeup ruined the minute i finished. i am losing water, i cant retain moisture. everything hurts today. my head, my legs, my heart, even my hair on the back of my neck hurts, your necklace, too heavy on my chest. i even try calling people. i call friends and theyre not home, force myself to walk to his house and call up to his window and hes not there, i am one person in this middle of this fucking storm. that is what this city is today. a storm and no where feels safe.

id kill to go home. but i dont even know where that is anymore. the space i left in san francisco is closing behind me, i can feel it, i can see the edges browning and becoming freyed. i used to think that where ever you were was home, but i cant feel you out there, i cant touch you, i cant see it anymore. its too far away.

maybe none of this is what i wanted. maybe the girl i thought i was isnt real. maybe i never really wanted this big dream, to live on my own, to travel, to teach, to speak another language. maybe i dont want to live so big. at least not today, today id be happy riding my bicycle around town, eat fruit off a tree. sleeping in grass, i need to feel a little bit more simple today. everything is swirling around me and i hate this city today. and its not about you or them or work or writing or sex or missing someone or food or weather. its just about me and something in the pit of my stomach that today says, you should lay low, youre not cut out for this, you are in waaaay over your head, and i want to punch it in the fucking face.