tarot reader

every morning im unsubscribing myself from emails of things in san francisco, i cant bare to look at all the posts from daily candy and ticketmaster, clothing store sales and bar promotions. that is my old life and im trying to be very present now. im trying to look forward instead of back. its easier than you think when sprinkled in the middle of those emails i unsubscribe to are love letters from you. my future, mi futura, i read them over and over before i fall asleep, i am having an affair with my computer, i cant put it down. last night i cant even look at you on the screen i felt so overwhelmed, this piece of plastic is infuriating. it isnt you, i cant touch it, i cant hold it, and so once again, all we have are our words, written over cyberspace and sent, to some mailbox that doesnt really exist, all this heady business but my words, yours, they have never felt so real. i have never meant anything more.

one of my closest friends finally has his beautiful baby and i havent met her yet but she looks so perfect, i get goosebumps even thinking about her, about being able to love someone so much, the idea of having that baby come into your life when for so long you have been waiting for her, is exhilarating. i cant even imagine what it feels like to hold her for the first time, to think, you are finally here.

today i walk around looking through plaza de armas, down merced and monijitas, one of my favorite parts of the city, it is so busy and bustling and smells of food and chatter and it seems that no one ever works because they are always outside of buildings, on steps, in the streets, smoking cigarettes, having coffee, eating completos with friends. there is always something happening here. the light by the fish market changes in early afternoon and it hits me, it is fall here, my whole internal clock is off. but the light, its unmistakable. the season is changing, as if i couldnt tell my the cold tiles in the morning when i get up out of bed. my roommates and i run around the house, trying to keep warm, piling on blankets and sweatshirts and non of us are prepared, i buy three pairs of knit socks for us for only 2 luka and think of you on every street corner, dream of you is more like it, and what it will be like to see you again, hopefully somewhere warm.