rocket man

its a shame to be so sad on such an incredible day. i give myself guilt trips on the mornings i wake up next to you and just cant perform, the mornings im quiet and slow and smile like i mean it but i dont, and i dont know why, because nothing makes me happier than a warm day, or you. its hot at 830am when we leave your house. i hold my jacket at my side and my legs are already sweating in the place where your hand rested last night as we fell asleep. the curtains moved this morning and your eyes were more blue than i have ever seen them as the light comes in over the buildings on polk. the meth clinic across the street that last night had been all turquoise windows and white shades drawn is beginning to wake up. silence is beginning to eat at me. sometimes i feel like i am too messy for you. that i am a disaster, that i cant even pin point where i go wrong and whether or not the things i write about are right, whether any of it matters. im telling you all these things as we drive freeways, deep blue, black stencil trees, yellow tunnel lights on the back of your neck, your hand on my bare knee and my skin holds the day, hot and dry, and when we get back to the city my mouth has almost stopped working and i dont know why i shut down when all i really want to do is let it all out.
this is one of my favorite songs and i feel a little bit less crazy and wild and mad when i hear it, when i read the words.


She packed my bags last night pre-flight
Zero hour nine a.m.
And I’m gonna be high as a kite by then
I miss the earth so much I miss my wife
It’s lonely out in space
On such a timeless flight

And I think it’s gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I’m not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I’m a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone


Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
In fact it’s cold as hell
And there’s no one there to raise them if you did
And all this science I don’t understand
It’s just my job five days a week
A rocket man, a rocket man


And I think it’s gonna be a long long time...

because its calming me down tonight. aloe sits in the fridge in some apartment i dont have yet, one like my apartment on irving, big, airy, wood floors and long hallways, tiles and kitchen cabinets filled with all my own things, magazines and fancy rice milk that i like in the mornings in cereal while i sit at my craft table in the kitchen and watch rain fall, or on back steps in a back yard. i have to do things like this. last night b cant fall back asleep and i rub his back and tell him to get comfortable and think about a trip you want to go on and all the fun things that you will do. sometimes its these small things we know about people, that for me, i like to think about a place, a home, surroundings, and how those things comfort me, make me still, and safe and that for him, its moving around, going places, shaking things up and opening his eyes in another country that makes him feel alive, and after a few minutes settles him back to sleep.

t talks about tattoos and mars and albert einstein earlier today and it seems all these things are inter-related somehow. that its not about finding your souls counterpoint in another person, its finding that other person that feels what you feel, when you do, and wants to be wherever you are, mars, portland, china, whatever. we must not forget these people that we were, and risk forgetting the people we changed to be.
and then theres this:
which i can totally see myself in some corner booth in portland in the rain, with a cig, writing you letters when youre not there.

The city streets are wet with rain tonight
Taxi drivers swerve from lane to lane
A lonely guitar man playin down the hall
Midnight blues comin through the walls

I tried to call you on the telephone
I left it off the hook
Just to hear it ring
You told me you were better off alone
I never knew that tears could stain

Im on the roof and Im starin at the stars
Lookin down at all the cars
I can see you
In the window of your favorite corner bar
But to reach you is just too far
And I might as well be on mars

The city seems so old and grey and beat
It closes in and makes me wanna suffocate
And you just live across the street
But thats a billion miles away

Youve turned my world into a dark and lonely place
Like a planet lost in space, my light is fadin
Id cross the universe to be right where you are
But Im right in your backyard
And I might as well be on mars

Chorus
I might as well be on mars
You cant see me
I might as well be the man on the moon
You cant hear me
Oh, can you feel me so close
And yet so far
Baby, I might as well be on mars

Baby, I cant fly
If I could Id come down to ya
Maybe I should try

Im on the roof and Im starin at the stars
Lookin down at all lthe cars
I can see you
In the window of your favorite corner bar
But to reach is just too far
And I might as well be on mars


what am i talking about? i dont know, i really dont know. someone once said to me, you are your art, and my art is madness right now, all over the place, so i guess im a little bit mad myself.