fever breaks

the last three days are hallucinations. flash lights and pink spoons, bowls full of feathers, towering light houses, lions with baby chicks in their mouth and im driving a jeep through rough terrain, tan, messy wild hair flying behind me, running, running, running. wooden staircases and board games made of marble, gold chandeliers, my father, wearing a suit, an eye patch, bright red shoes, smiles at me and does a waltz with a monkey. in my dream i am bold and fierce and opening doors others were too scared to, i vaguely remember seeing my mother, smooth back my hair, and it could have been a memory from ten years ago. and so im running, running, running.
this morning my fever breaks and i think a little bit more clearly, wake up sweating, i have soaked my entire room so that im drowning, paint peeling off the walls, paintings you made me, drawings, float to the top and i look at them from underneath. delicate strips of night and places i loved you flash movie scene terrific, your face is the last thing i think of, close my eyes and wish it all away. black lettering and pencil scrawls, my name looped by your fingers, connected with hearts and magic words, magic i wanted to feel, that you promised and gave on summer nights, daring and brave, light this city on fire, hands a blaze, over shoulder smiles and i cant sleep at night because of you, frayed ends and this fever has to break, has to turn salt to sea, so that when i open my eyes theyre back to blue. this was all a dream. the only thing left is a dampness on my brow, coolness on my neck and a feeling i cant shake the rest of the day. as if something huge has happened, but i cant put my finger on what exactly it was.
its always sunny when you dont want it to be, when your hallucinating and everythings too bright, you put ice on your eye balls through the night, trying to cool yourself from the inside out. everything hurts in the morning, when he still hasnt called, your ribs are bruised and black, red marks under your arms and your neck is swollen from swallowing, from breathing, you just keep laying in bed saying, i cant breathe, i cant breathe, i cant breathe. youre making yourself sick, you know it, its all in your head. dream of sea kittens and apple juice, youve been reduced to a child and your mother says every things going to be all right because she is your mother, and that is her job.