its 2009, do you know where you are?

14th and broadway kids are lighting dumpsters on fire and im at home in front of my heater eating lentils, making thank you notes, looking up casio watches and thinking about my boy. i feel so utterly disconnected and so i put my hair up in braids and a handkerchief and dark lipstick, make myself completely unrecognizable, think about smoking a cigarette but dont. its been four days and im stronger than that.
14th and broadway, people are fighting against police brutality and im at home watching the devil wears prada and listening to my boy talk about killer fish and laughing with my roommate about the outfits we wear to keep warm. im counting bank statements and throwing away bills and eating muffins i made to go with the soup i made because he was sick. i feel so completely alive throughout all of this and it makes me anxious and nervous, feet prickly and skin tight.
i can go on youtube and watch a boy get shot on bart, on new years eve, i watch his girlfriend, the mother of his children, speak at his public funeral and she is all smiles. 22 and all smiles. and i cry thinking she is so brave, because she had to start new years without him and i got to spend it with you, wake up and look at your face, and even when i am afraid you will leave its not forever, its not gone like her man is gone. it just doesnt seem fair.
i remember when driving you home was just to another neighborhood, when i could hop in a cab and come over at 1030 in my pajamas. and now you are a bridge away, hovering between islands and traffic, over sharks and jellyfish, through cold waters and grey mornings that are hard to pull out of. you are just close enough and far enough so that every time i see you is a treat, every time is like vacation and maybe next that is what it will mean for me to get to you. a trip in some summer, i'll fly virgin of course, ive heard great things about virgin.
i cant stop listening to led zepplin (going to california) and cat power (jukebox) and depeche mode, while also trying to find the cover of dramarama's "anything, anything" that i know is floating around out there. its supposed to be 70 degrees this weekend and i cant wait. i'll wear a onesie and eat a popsicle, maybe have a sunsale and not smoke cigarettes, ill call all my friends in cold places and tell them, earnestly, "wish you were here."






and ive been spending a lot of time with lol cats (thats el oh el cats, not Lull cats, dummies) and heres one for my friend jose, cause hes the best and im sorry. they make me so happy, srsly.