day three

today is worse than yesteday despite it being sunny and slightly warmer. i wear a variation of what i wore yesterday, boots, jeans stuffed in, thick big scarf, i go through phases where im just wearing my night shirt out under my coat, i like the smell of slept in things, i pull my bangs back and only wear mascara, maybe a little lipgloss and PRESTO im 17 again and that brings up feelings old and new.

this morning i try to swipe some some color onto my cheeks and put a braid in my hair, try not to look so much of a mess, at least i showered last night, let the water take it all away, backed up into a corner all crying and sobbing, its pathetic really but it felt good and i walked out clean and red eyed, but feeling more like a person i guess, at least im feeling something even if its sad.

today i feel purposeless, i spend my morning looking through books and reading about agents, going over any and every writing job in the city before realizing i have to actually be writing something substantial for that to work. i feel like im not good at anything today, i cant even love you the way that i want to and that bums me out more than anything.

if i were to leave you, where would i go?
i cant seem to think of any other way to make this work, its wearing me down. i dont like this girl im becoming. san francisco, youre treating me bad, taking me for granted. i just wanted to love you, thats all, why you gotta make loving me back so hard?

i listen to the playlist i made you, a little over a year ago, you were sick, or feeling down and i wanted you to be better, i thought these songs could make you happy. i thought that i could make you smile again. its grey days and were cold and i dont know that everything will be alright either. but i listen to these songs and dream about you riding your bike, years from now, listening to them to and feel a little bit better. maybe they can help more than these words of my own.


a little depeche mode on a wednesday and its all good.