on timing

the lights of after office are still burning, casting blues and greens and reds across the walls of my room here in the centro and i always know its wednesday when i fall asleep with cascades of colors and flashing lights. just another way to mark the time. except i dont know what im counting down for anymore.
afton and i dance on our rooftop to "empire state of mind" and talk about our old apartments and feel sad and miss the views of our respective cities while in the glaring lights of another. and its not fair, its not fair to miss something that isnt yours anymore, that you cant go back to but that you cant help missing anyway. and every song she plays has a memory, i cant listen to MGMT without thinking about you (but you, you are constant on my mind) and tegan and sara are off limits and so we give each other new songs, songs introduced to us by some boy in spanish, some girl on the subway, some party at some house on some night and we try to make new memories but mostly tonight, we try to forget. and then we have to enact our old rule of no more talking about the states because it just makes us restless, anxious, we just get quiet and thinking and start to spin and ive been pretty good the last couple days on staying grounding, on being present, on moving on.
this is where we live now. this is our life, however we got here, whoever made choices for us to bring us to some roof, together in some huge, sprawling, light filled city full of tiny colored boxes and hills with stautes of la virgen. however we got here, we are here and so we live it, we dance.
we dance until were too tired and climb back down, scaling the side of a wall while holding beers in your hand is not easy and then into our warm little apartment and i try to distract for a couple hours, for some time, try to write, write this that youre reading right now, because sleep will come, just not with a hurry, just not when i want it to. and so i sit back, because there are some things i cant control and some things i can. and sleep will come, and you will come, or not, when it wants to.