whoever coined the term "taking the easy way out"

must have been on the other side, looking back. because im in it right now and i cant see clearly. i cant see any possible easy way out of this. not alive anyway.

tonight i take the metro home with nick, my sweet friend from wisconsin who has been invaluable the last two weeks, at far as getting me out of the house, shamelessly smoking and drinking and appreciating my bitterness. he also tells me how pretty i am, and loves to read my poetry and talk about the united states and all the things we miss. and he never tells me to be quiet. he always has time for me. basically he has become one of my closest friends, something i am lacking as of late and really really need.

we walk and talk along lota to the roundabout by los leones, one of my favorite walks, past the old wooden fish restaurant built like a boat, past the castana, that always smells of pan y dulces and i always look in longingly, and pain stakenly, remembering the desserts for breakfast we ate in buenos aires, and they sit, with their sugary glisten, untouched. i can never eat one again, just thinking about it makes me sick.

nick isnt afraid to speak english loudly in the metro, normally im so embarassed but we speak freely and complain about our jobs, about our expectations for this city that we had tried to not have, but have nonetheless. it seems we always talk about going home, especially as of late, and we both seem disappointed tonight, in life, in love, in cities, in ourselves?

today you ask me what do you want? it seems that everyone loves this question lately, as if everyday since i was able to speak i havent been thinking about me, myself, what I WANT. as babies we cry for what we want, we lack the communication skills to ask for it by name, as children and adolescents we lack the tact or social graces to ask for things correctly and so we demand our needs be met, but by the time we reach teenage years and adulthood we have all but become silent. we have been taught we cant demand for what we want, to ask politely, to wait our turn and in this backwards regression we lose our voice. we continue to desire, to want, to need, to dream, but our ability to ask for these things lessens, we get so used to being denied that we become fearful, we forget how to desire, how to demand, how to achieve. we learn that to get what we want we have to sacrifice things that we need and vice versa.

that there is nothing easy about this. that we are not infants, we are real grown up people, with real, big, grown up hearts (although often mine still throws tantrums) and we cannot simply cry out to be satisfied, we must find the words to ask, albeit politely, of the people we love for what we want. it is not such an easy question but i suppose the way to answer it, is, like we have always done, like i have always told you to do: prioritize.

make a list.

the thing you want the most should be at the top.
and then
and then
and then

i guess my question is where/if i fit on that list.
and then well go from there.

talking about what we wanted, with each other, under the covers of your bed, on the front steps of the opera building on van ness, over beers and pool at jacks, on a freeway drive, on a balcony in buenos aires, in tiny quiet whispers over thousands of miles before bed, in love letters, was always easy. for me, that was easy. i know, i know just what it is that i want.
that is not to say that my wants wont change. im sorry you dont know what you want. i know that must feel awful.

i wish i could remind you. i wish i didnt have to remind you.

the good (?) thing is, im not sure about anything anymore. not today, not tonight.

time to make another list.
it is the how. it is the work, it is this time, that we are in right now, that weve carved out to make shit happen.
but dont you see? how can the rest of it happen while forgetting how we got here?
i guess, right now, ahora, i am lucky to be here. to be able to make a new list. it will be a long one.
there are a lot of things i want.
there are a lot of things im too smart to forget.