cachai?

if you dont expect anything then you will never be disappointed.

i try to explain this to people but its like they wont listen. i am, in no way, what you want.

tonight i tell my guy friends whats up. theyre like, youre a girl, whats the deal, what am i doing wrong, why is this girl acting this way? why is she so upset? and im like, okay, ill tell you, but do you promise to listen? promise? really? put your beer down, ill tell you.

its simple really. we all want something. boy, girl, man, woman, child, mother, father, everything you can possibly be in between. we all want something. we are all craving some relationship that we can count on, something steady and substantial. we all desire to be desired. but on a more basic level, we all need validation, we all need to be needed, as much as you tell yourself you dont, you do. so remember, when you tell that girl, you dont want a relationship think about why youre testing yourself, why youre lending your time, quit wasting someone elses time. and when she tells you, like she will, that shes not looking for that either, that she just wants to please, shes willing, even for that moment, if not just for that moment, to get what she wants. shell worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. both these boys are 30 and tell me theyve never been in love. i ask them to define the difference between liking someone a lot and love, what is the difference, how does it feel? and they dont know, and so i know they are telling the truth.

they ask about me, how many times have you been in love they say, what was it like, how did you know? what was the difference between loving that boy and liking him a lot? did you ever think about kissing someone else, they ask. and i tell them, that, that is the difference. when you love someone, your thoughts of kissing other people, of thinking other people are attractive doesnt go away. you dont become numb to the population. but the desire to act on it goes away. it literally leaves your body. i tell them, its not even about that. when youre in love, you cant imagine harming that person, you cant imagine, for even a second, doing something that would make them sad. when youre in love, that persons feelings weigh as heavily as your family, no, as your friends, as your blood, as your own. you are careful, no, you are immaculate. you dont tread lightly, you dont tread at all.

afterwards they are silent and i think ive said too much, i wonder, i begin to question what i actually believe love to be, and if i acted accordingly in the surreal, real, intense times that ive been in love. and finally, dejav says, shit, thats what im talking about, thats why i didnt tell that girl i loved her, i didnt feel that. and he looks at me differently, pours me his beer, and says, how old are you? have you really felt that?

i leave their house and walk the two blocks home that everyone calls dangerous at this time of night but i have the words now to stick up for myself and when some guy touches my hip as i pass by him i slam by with a clenched fist and a no me tocas weon and he looks and me is nervous and the people around me at the bus stop yell and cuss at him in spanish, dont touch her, leave her alone. when a guy calls me rubia, speaks to me in english, i say, yo vivo aca weon, soy chilena and flip him off, this shuts him up and im not scared. this city, this country, this time away, being without you, doesnt scare me anymore. it makes me think, it makes me write, and when i come home and think about the love ive felt, the love i feel, the way my life has been changed because of this love, the way i can describe it, it makes me feel lucky. if nothing else, i feel tough. i feel strong. i have knowledge. i know love.

and you cant take that away from me.