if you think you are sinking, you probably are

i crawl from the bedsheets, literally, scoot my body to the edge of the bed and tumble over, glad the floor isnt far, the fall, not long enough, not enough to hurt anyway. my limbs have gone limp, the energy i have in comparison to how quickly my heart beats is a miracle, a juxtaposition, an absolute opposition. how this happens every couple weeks, the hibernation, the confusion of day and night, the mixing of sad and feeling nothing at all is beyond me. i dont blame it on you anymore. maybe ive been like this all along and you were just this little distraction for a while. but in truth, really, as sun sets and sky blasts pink and curious and questionable over santa lucia, i dont think that this is how life is supposed to be. i dont think i am supposed to feel like this, there is supposed to be more.

you tell me the feeling is mutual, as an affirmation, your handwriting so familiar i can taste your fingers, feel them, rough palms and wide nails, sweet between fingers, that small canopy collection of the day. i remember the way your words curled in and out of love letters left on the kitchen table and it doesnt seem fair that same hand can write such contrasting words, can suck the energy right out of them. the hand that delivered love letters has turned ambiguous. how is that possible? the feeling is mutual does not in fact mean the feeling is mutual. it is a poor way of saying i dont feel the same way at all but im too much of a pussy to admit it. that i dont really know what i want at all. that im too scared to admit that to you, i dont really want to hurt you, but i know, you know (the feeling is mutual), that you will. you just cant help it right now.

ill tell you, i understand. and hope i said it with enough conviction, enough familiarity, that you believe it, as long as were playing this game.

i cant help but be surprised at these things because i never would have thought my life would have changed so drastically. you cant really predict a storm, its force. i was like this city without a disaster plan and no one came to help. but i know you, i know you so well, that its silly to hope, its silly to expect anything, its silly to think this time will be different. you are too proud, too selfish, too caught up to tell me even if the feelings were mutual, id never know it. if i wanted anything to change, anything to happen, id have to do it my self. and im afraid, my darling, that yes, the feelings are mutual, because now im too proud, too selfish, too caught up. and if i was feeling anything for you, youd never know.