i dont want to be part of the problem

today i walk hard down the streets, with purpose, with errands to run, with thoughts, pushing me, moving me, literally picking up my feet for me and forcing me to walk, walk anywhere. walk hard.
i dont like what i see this morning so i cut my hair into some weird sort of mullet thing and i stare at myself for 20 minutes with the blow dryer going and try to make the hum inside my head equivalent to everything thats moving, stirring, vibrating millions of miles away. it feels that far away at least, but i know, we know, its closer than we think.
last night i tell my dad on the phone that we are exactly 5, 937 miles away from each other and his voice catches, thats further than i thought, he says and we are both silent on the phone, and im forever wondering how to bridge that gap. to put all those words and letters and feelings and time into a smaller container, to make the distance less, to get closer, to feel connected again.
the wondering will kill you, i remind myself as i make up stories in my head, dangerous stories, stories i cant possibly tell the ending to because i just. dont. know. those w's...the where, why, what, who, when are the problem i think. i cant make a story without knowing the answers to any of those, i shouldnt even try. the wondering will kill you, you know.
so we just dance, spiraling, falling, curling and wishing, until we are exhausted, our brain settles, that low hum, ears ringing and the distance is just noise, just time travel and finally, sleep.